It has been awhile.....

Dear friends,

I've taken a break from blogland because I've had to deal with a changing health situation and a change in lifestyle, while outwardly trying to continue as if nothing has changed.
I know that I haven't been the same person that I once was for several years...it troubled me.....it frustrated me...it was depressing for me. I have sought the opinion of several doctors and naturopaths to try and come up with an explanation for all my "health" issues. Was it empty nest syndrome, was it menopause...was it something else????? It has been a long slow process, during which I have tried to be brave, tried to be cheerful, tried to be positive, tried to carry on as if nothing was wrong. On the outside ...nothing has changed...a few more gray hairs...a few more stubborn pounds. But JJ and a few close friends can attest...in the privacy of my home....I have been quite miserable and difficult to live with.
Recently, after another trip to the doctor, after months of massage therapy and chiropractic care (which did little to relieve symptoms), I was finally given a diagnosis. I have Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. It is also known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It is a serious illness that affects the whole body; predominantly the neurological, endocrine and immune systems. It is characterized by overwhelming fatigue and a vast array of other symptoms that are often debilitating. It is different for every person, different from day to day, season to season and even from hour to hour. That is why it is so difficult to diagnose and why doctors monitor a person for a long time to rule out other possible causes of the symptoms.
Research has failed as of yet to identify a specific cause or trigger -they have only come up with a list. Again, it could be one or a combination of things. There is no cure...but there are several treatment options that may or may not work. There are coping strategies which are an important part of the treatment program. Informing and educating friends, family and coworkers is one of these strategies. That is what I'm doing in this blog....informing my blog friends.
So....how does this affect me.......well......and this is very hard for me .....as I am a private person when it comes to my health, my feelings......but I have been encouraged by my doctor to start by describing my symptoms to a dozen or so people, talk about it openly and hopefully some understanding and support will follow when I need it......then talk to more people....and so on.
.......there are times that I am incredibly, overwhelmingly tired.......I've fallen asleep at the computer....during lunch time at school....in the car (as a passenger).....in the afternoons... in the evenings. I've missed alot of work this year because I was just feeling like shit! I have had to give up doing many things because I get so fatigued and in pain after the simplest of tasks....not to mention I often have difficulty concentrating...like reading a book - completing my required schoolwork took me twice or three times as long to do as it did several years ago. I actually asked my doctor last September if I was getting Alzheimer's because I had such a word retrieval problem....difficult especially when I was teaching!! Often I sleep 10, 12, 14 hours a day yet I feel like I didn't sleep at all. Other nights I can hardly sleep due to the muscle and joint pain that I have had daily for several years. Some days during this past winter I couldn't even walk around town to walk the dog...it hurt that much. My blood pressure and body temperature have been out of whack for several years...sometimes up...sometimes down......and I often have a sore throat. I get dizzy...not good driving home. I have had different headaches (not migraines from which I have had all my life)....just a dull ache that sometimes goes on for days. My joints and muscles have given me the most difficulty over the past year...I hurt ....all the time......I have had muscle weakness especially in the hands....I feel really stupid and useless when I have to ask someone to open a bottle of water for me....sometimes I can't even open a doorknob...I have to switch hands. I had several falls this winter.....I cracked ribs on a fall while skating and knocked myself out falling on the road during the winter.....I now know they were both likely due to dizzy spells and co-ordination problems I sometimes experience....sometimes I feel like a can't even walk right. I have multiple chemical sensitivities and multiple food intolerances ....both are symptoms of M.E. I often experience sensory overload....so by the time that school is over all I want to do is come home and sit (fall asleep) in a quiet house. The scariest symptom has been the depression. It isn't a symptom of M.E. but it often goes hand in hand with it as does suffering from SAD (seasonal affective disorder). Feeling like crap all the time with no answers, not being able to do the things I once did has caused me to withdraw from social activities and situations......it is hard keeping up a front. I have felt overwhelmingly sad and sorry for myself at times....
So....those are the worst symptoms....some I have learned to accept....I've made lots of changes and accommodations in my life......but have a long way to go........accepting this and making the changes has not been easy...it is ongoing..........modifying my activity levels, crucial in managing symptoms has been the most difficult.......JJ has been very supportive, generous and helpful to me and I am so thankful for Nellie who loves me no matter what I can and can't do. She makes me laugh at her antics every day. I have a few friends that have been there when I needed help and check on me when I'm sick and overwhelmed by life and try to keep me smiling. This is the real reason I started the blog several months back...to connect with people without the judgement I was getting...then for a time it became just too hard to write and read even the blogs I have so enjoyed...so I decided a bit of a break to get through to the end of school (nearly there) .
The good news is I am on some new medication that has helped relieve the constant muscle and joint pain...at least for part of the day......and as long as I don't try to do too much....no more superwoman living in this house. I have to accept weeds in my flower beds.....dust bunnies in the corners......laundry that doesn't get done, the household projects that take weeks instead of hours to get done.... On a positive note.....I take more time to notice the dew drops on the leaves, the different birds that visit my garden, the changing skies..........
In closing..... thanks for taking the time to read this.......
Take care......wish me luck that I'll reach that plateau soon that chronic illness's tend to do....pray that research finds more treatments.......thanks for allowing me to share this.....I promise not to whine about it...that isn't in my nature..........keep well yourself.......I've lots of pictures to post of the garden and the new waterfall feature.........I'm happy to be back... Eileen

May Flowers

..warmth & wisdom....

....on Thurs. April 23, my older son Ryan arrived home...so good to see him.....(pictures later)... Friday, Ryan, my first born turned 26...where have the years gone... he was off to Ottawa to pick up his girlfriend, Lindsay (yes, the same name as my younger son)...they are apartment hunting ...yea!!!!!moving closer for the next year......Lindsay is doing an internship at a new museum in Ottawa...Ryan, graduating with with Masters in Anthropology....?????sometime this spring?????...whenever his thesis is completed.....anyway, Sat. was perfect....warm....27C...the daffodils are in full bloom...other things in the garden bursting forth...almost before our eyes.

......we worked outside in the gardens all day....limped around and took pain medication at night.....as we were soooooo tired and sore from the unaccustomed hard physical labour...but got lots done...
...the Yellow Shafted Flickers were flying in their characteristic undulating patterns from tree top to TV antenna, to barn roofs etc. (any tall structure) drumming....calling "wick...wick...wick...wick...wick...drumming....calling -all day!!!! It is their way of looking suitable mates!!! Pretty birds...welcome harbinger of spring...but ALL DAY ...give it a break!!!

....I was beneath this one way up in the sugar maple...note the buds swelling!!!!....

....the day ended...still warm...but the weather forecaster says rain is on the way...good for the new grass seed I just sowed I guess....rest for the weary muscles too......

....an e-mail from a fellow artist....I think this advice applies to any "creative" endeavor....

The private lives of keeners
April 24, 2009

Dear Eileen,

Yesterday, Sara McManigle of Luverne, ND, asked: "How does an artist maintain the energy levels, motivation, and passion to realize her dreams? As hard as I try, I still get bogged down by others' condescension, the financial aspects, and time management. How do you keep the fire burning when you're so fizzled out?"Thanks, Sara. Artists need to be self-sustaining, private, "follow-your-bliss" islands unto themselves. Self-directed and independent, they make their own fizz. But artists need to realize that there are more than a few ways to become enthusiastic and motivated. One size does not fit all. Not surprisingly, artists with obsessive-compulsive tendencies and an addiction to work appear to be the keeners.One way to understand motivation is to look at the symbols represented by the things we do. A passion for kayaking, for example, might represent a desire for freedom or escape. That of dancing, for romance and love. Among other things, painting can represent a desire to re-order the universe or simply to fill the beauty gap. Nothing wrong with those. These passions, whether intrinsic or learned, are integral parts of our natures and need to be honoured. When we begin to understand our symbols, we can get on with the more mechanistic of the ploys--head down, focus, shutout or postponement of impedimenta, pump priming, multitasking and the wisdom of time-management.Furthermore, amateurs have a wisdom that professionals know not of. One can learn from amateurs. Successful self-motivators at any level are able to regularly return to their beginner-minds and rekindle earlier enthusiasms. Never underestimate your inner kid. Artists also need to be aware of their personal blockers--people, places and things--and be prepared to substitute positive over negative. Without trashing the wonderful mothers of our world, a frequently reported situation is the demanding, impossible-to-please mother who derails daughters and sons. Oh yeah, dads can do it to you too. Critical, failed, or bitter themselves, they are the kernel of a rolling, generational snowball that is difficult to stop. Stealthily and unwittingly a keen edge becomes dull and jaded. Artists so afflicted need to give thought to re-sharpening with alternate role models.

Best regards,Robert

PS: "If you can give your child only one gift, let it be enthusiasm." (Bruce Barton)

Esoterica: From my perspective, every situation, every human being, is unique. While the loving input of true friends is certainly valuable, more than anything, each artist needs to work out private ploys that beat back the unique bugaboos. I appreciate this is not always easy, as circumstances can run powerful interference. But if I didn't know it can be done, is being done, and will be done, I wouldn't be tapping on this laptop. The word is "character." Character is built, not granted.

Well....this came today......after a wonderful Sunday spent with my brother, his partner, Ryan & Lindsay and JJ. My brother is a wonderfully talented artist......who, # 1 is an infrequent visitor, and # 2, is that talented individual whom Robert describes... whose mother and father unwittingly (????) discouraged the "artistic" talent that my siblings and I possessed as not being "important enough, worthy enough....???? whatever......most of us have found our ways....but I feel my brother is still looking for that confirmation,.......yes.... it is good enough, yes.... he is talented...yes.... continue to follow that passion.......is he still haunted by that critisim/disinterest from our parents????

We went to a local art show this afternoon ....developing artists showing their work...maybe there was nothing there I'd buy to hang on my walls, but I like to go such local events ...to talk to the artists...to tell them what I like about their work...to ask questions of their techniques....to freely give out compliments....perhaps that is the teacher in me.....I'm not sure the others in my family felt the same.....???? not professional enough for them??????

Anyway, great day...great conversation....great shared information about computer programs....great stories...great food and wine shared.....what a lovely way to spend a Sunday.....

Earth Day Bouquet

Today is Earth Day, and the first Daffodils opened along the bank of the creek...how perfect!
We had a bit of sun this afternoon......still cool....but now as the sun sets, a massive front is moving in quickly....rain again overnight.........

...birds & bags

......it was another cold start to the day...one that promised rain....lots of new birds this morning on our walk......I noticed more Loons out on the river (likely migrating north)....lots of female Red Winged Blackbirds (males have been back for some time), Blue Herons and Purple Martins
.....there have been 4 Merganzers hanging around for a week or more.....always together.....the male is so completely different than the female.....in the previous shot those are the Merganzers flying toward me -enlarge the picture to see them....

...this afternoon was very windy and I noticed bags...wretched plastic bags.....caught in trees, along the fence lines, in the creek, along the river bank....just recently several major grocery store chains announced they will start charging 5 cents per bag at their stores...all I can say ..."it is about time!!!"....perhaps soon they will eliminate them altogether.....I do use them as dog pooper scoopers however when walking Nellie on the local streets or in the park, etc....but they are recycled plastic and tiny hand size bags...

......it rained this afternoon...we do need it to green things up......cleared somewhat....clouded over again after sunset and is raining heavily right now with temperatures dropping to freezing later.......love the pastels of the sunset this evening......makes me think of the Northern Lights.......

Spring

Quite a delightful morning -still cold in the morning (near freezing), but calm, with the promise of a warm day. The birds are everywhere.....ducks.....

.....migrant snow geese that spent the night on the island.....

.....seconds away from sunrise, a Common Loon has flown up the river calling, for several days now. I heard and saw him in the evening as well. Years ago we never saw Loons on the river, now they nest somewhere close by and can be heard calling every morning and evening.
Amazingly - the previous 3 pictures were taken just minutes apart -just in different directions.

This afternoon, more crocus had opened......

...the Hazelnut bushes were full of bees on the catkins.....

...Chinodoxia carpet the ground....love that colour!!!!!

Finding Beauty

Nellie was a trifle dirty after our walk in the woods today. The sun was shining, but the wind made it too cold to work in the garden today so we went for a walk in the woods. This is the result....big mistake....no...I'm not bothered by dirty dogs or kids....I used to have to hose my kids off after playing outside in the spring...in the mud, in the water, in the creek, in the woods....they had FUN so what if they got filthy.... Nellie...I just sloshed her legs around in a bucket of warm water and pulled out all the leaves and twigs, toweled her off, then told her to stay on the sunny porch for awhile till she dried......she had fun too.
The woods are so dreary this time of the year....mostly grey/brown....until you look closely for signs of life...like this moss...

....woods at first glance.....treasures waiting to be found......

Wood Ducks are quite common in our area -if you frequent wooded swamps!!! Otherwise they are not commonly seen. As we walked along the creek today, I spied a male Wood Duck.....didn't see the female.....he was beautiful......he dove beneath the water when he heard Nellie then flew up the creek. What a beautiful jewel we found in the dreary woods today!!!!

Atmospheric Moisture

The atmosphere has been laden with moisture since the last week of March around here. We've had rain or snow almost every day for weeks. The temperatures have remained low with just teasing glimpses of the sun's increasing warmth. The sunrises and sunsets have been spectacular most days however.......a few glimpses......

......pink morning skies reflected in a puddle in the garden.....

......sunrise seen from the lane through the hedgerow.....

......sunset mountains in the mist......(actually just clouds).....

....finally some clearing evening skies......

.....Easter Sunday promises to be sunny....not warm....still below freezing or slightly above.......the long range forecast is for increasing sun, increasing temperatures this week...finally hoping to begin more clean up in the gardens....daffodils are progressing nicely...perhaps some in sheltered areas might even bloom this week......wishing.......

WARNING!!

Warning!! Strange long eared creatures have invaded my world!!! They are everywhere!
Some of them have 2 legs, some of them have 4 legs!!!

They come in many colour variations and seem friendly....actually very friendly....they kept following me around as I was trying out a borrowed camera. Perhaps they hatched in all the water we have lying around after days and days and days of rain, then snow, then more rain?????? Lucky for me (????) they only seem to be in my neighbors yard although some time after this picture was taken the white creature seemed to molt, then with a shake of her body "the ears fell off!!!" ...and then the creature followed me home???? She is awfully cute ...the long ears seemed to have been replaced with shorter floppier ones. Have you ever seen anything like it????

Sunshiny Morning

I was cutting some pussy willows from our "Curly Willow" yesterday, turned around and the yard was bathed in this glowing yellow misty light, with sunbeams shining through some Pine and Yew trees -luckily I had my camera (I always have my camera) and took two pictures before it faded. How sad for the people who aren't up and about as the sun rises each day and miss some of the most most magical moments that mother nature gives to us .....

Red Skies

As the red skies promised, the rain soon started again....it has been raining for 4 days now. On the brighter side -it is not snowing! Actually, the rain melted the last snowdrift today......poor Nellie, she will miss the snow...but now she has water puddles and a swollen creek to play in. The east wind was very cold this morning so I was glad I still had ear muffs tucked into a pocket for our morning walk -I soon needed them!
On the way to school I saw the first ship sail by....the Seaway system officially opened as of midnight last night so I suspect that this ship has left port in Montreal in the night.

Green things are appearing everywhere, even the mosses are beginning to green up but it has been too wet and cold to do any gardening .

It was muffin mania at school today as my "crew" made about 170 Banana Muffins. The Grade 10 students must write a half day Literacy test tomorrow. It is very important, as schools are judged on the results. Anyway, since I run the Breakfast Program for the school, we were asked to prepare something special for these students writing tomorrow, for their break -muffins, cheddar cheese and fruit juice. They are all ready and waiting for tomorrow -the kids did an excellent job!!! (and they didn't mind not doing math or geography today to bake all day!)

Crocus & the Bees

The Sun Returns

At long last, we had 16 degree C temperatures, with sun, with only tiny little breezes and blue, blue skies. I spent the day yesterday in the garden doing a variety of chores; raking, picking up branches beneath the Maple trees that winter ice and winds brought down, on hands and knees cutting back perennials, tidying up around shrubs, some pruning of shrubs, lots of admiring and contemplation about what needs to be done around the yard and garden and watching the honeybees from a neighbours hives search out the first blossoms -tiny crocus and snowdrops. After 5 or 6 hours I was exhausted.......but very satisfied with what I had accomplished. JJ spent the day with the chainsaw and pruning saws cleaning up some of the extensive damage done to our trees this past winter with the heavy wet snow and ice. We had a fire going all day to burn any debris that was dry enough to burn, the wet stuff was piled along the creek banks to rot down, firewood stacked in the barn to dry and larger branches hauled off to the town compost site. We sometimes burn the branches but the dry grass around the burn pile wasn't cut back last fall making the fire hazard too great right now.

We took our friends out to dinner last evening (the ones who looked after Nellie) as a thank you gesture. After walking the dogs when we returned home, we lit candles all around the house after turning everything electrical off, and enjoyed their company while sharing dessert and a bottle of Pelee Island Rouge (a Canadian Merlot). It was a great way to spend Earth Hour evening!

Too bad today was cold and rainy -on the bright side, it isn't snowing and it will green things up even more. So I spent most of today on the computer doing reports and lesson planning for school.

Enlarge the pictures and look closely to see all the bees on the tiny blossoms!

Beach Birds

White Ibis strolling down the beach......
....the Black Skimmers (by the hundreds) were great fun to watch as they swooped and wheeled about.... sometimes in perfect unison..... sometimes shattering into many directions only to regroup again to continue up and down the beach....

Western Sandpipers dodged the wave edges alone or in small groups....

Willets were in pairs or in flocks of 30 or more but rarely alone......

Some people love crows and hate gulls....I happen to hate crows and love gulls......these Laughing Gulls could be a family of many ages judging by all the colour variations.


SEA GULL

I rise on spirit wings.

Like the sea gull, I soar over the waters of life.

I glide to Otherworlds where the powers of the Old Ones are strong.

I open my heart and mind to the gods.Their messages are clear to me.

Spiritual Messengers
Sea Gulls are messengers from the gods, especially ancient Celtic deities. They bridge the gap between the living world and the spirit world. Opening yourself to their energy enables you to communicate with the other side.
Sea Gull can also give you the ability to soar above your problems and see things from above. Seeing all the different viewpoints.

It was so lovely to sit on warm white sand to watch the birds on the beach -Boca Grande Beach this day. The skies were blue, the Gulf of Mexico waters were multiple hues of blue, turquoise and green......I can go back there any time just by looking at some of the images I captured on that warm March afternoon..........

Connecting

Our vacation to Matlacha Florida was just short of "absolutely perfect in every way." I'll share some of my most favourite photos -not always technically the best photos but the most meaningful. Tonight, just an overview. My husbands sisters house is on the water, but Matlacha Pass (which is a mixture of fresh water and sea water) is between the barrier islands -Pine Island, Captiva, Sanibel, Cayo Costa etc. and the mainland of Florida (southwest coast). Stunning view of Mangrove islands and water on 3 sides. But, a trip to the beach at least once is must -I love the beach, the seashore, the sand, the waves etc. We choose beaches that are not crowded -except by wildlife. This year I was fascinated by these 2 kids playing -especially the little girl. I took lots of pictures of them (with their parents permission but promised not to post any that showed their faces to the world). One of my trip highlights was watching this little girl strolling up the beach in the gentle waves towards me, grinning from ear to ear, oblivious to the world, singing in a delightful high little girl voice..."I love it, I love it, I love it...." When she reached me and we had a little chat, I asked her.... what is it that she loves? She stopped.... looking very serious....looked all around her....smiled....then exclaimed with a shrug and wide open arms...."I just love it all!' ....out of the mouths of babes....summed up my feelings for the day as well! It became my mantra for the week........"I love it, I love it".......I found myself humming under my breath......

The southwest coast of Florida has become known as the "Creative Coast" It is a mecca for artists, musicians and people who love that sort of stuff!! Matlacha is one of the "last" true fishing villages and tiny little art galleries. I think there are something like 17 galleries within a couple of miles. They are all totally unique, many local artists that have moved to this area from ALL OVER and lots who simply visit and display their work either seasonally or all year. You can take classes all year from artists in every medium and style -from drumming to watercolour, goldsmithing to pottery. I have favourite artists and look forward to seeing their new works each year -I get so inspired!!! The people in this area are so down to earth, so friendly and eager to share -stories, ideas, techniques....awesome people!

As a lover of sunrises and sunsets, sky watching and watching the light change on the water -it is the perfect spot. Temperatures were in the low 80's F during the day (the pool warmed up with the solar blanket to 90F -loved that) I was in the water as soon as I got up, during the day and then watched the stars while floating on my back before I went to bed -what can get better than that! On it, in it or just watching it -I love water.

Birdwatching, another of my pastimes it amazing in Matlacha. This year I photographed 36 different types of birds -about 8 that I'd never seen before in Florida. These Skimmers were especially fun to watch and photograph. John agrees I need a better camera to capture them .

It was a lovely lazy, relaxing, warm, fun, inspiring holiday that I spent with my dear husband. No TV, no radio, no phone, no computer, no work.......just the 2 of us doing things we love to do -together. We lead busy lives at home and love to get away to reconnect. It was like a honeymoon only better!!

Florida Bound!

Crazy busy at home and school this week, so I'm extra thankful that our March Break has officially started. JJ and I have to leave home in the middle of the night to drive to the airport to catch our flight which leaves at 6 a.m. I haven't even started to pack!!! Not like me, usually I'm so organized when it comes to traveling...just too darn busy! So, we are off to Matlacha Florida for a lovely lazy holiday by the ocean. The weather has been cooler than normal both here and there but the temperature is bound to be better than below freezing here -STILL!! Nellie will be staying with her doggy friend Abbey and 3 cats-she'll love that!! I may post pictures if the computer works at the house we are staying at....if not see everyone next weekend...blessings to everyone! I really have to go and pack now -I travel very light so it won't take me long...................

....living simply...simply living....

I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing. Agatha Christie

After several months of sometimes bitterly cold temperatures, too much ice and snow, long miserably dark days, great pain from some rather unfortunate injuries this winter........all seemed right this morning as we walked along the river (now open) under a leaden sky, when the sun magnificently broke through the clouds to shine all around. Soon the clouds disappeared, the birds started to sing, the newly arrived geese and ducks took to the skies to seek out food left over in the farmers fields from last falls harvest.........yes... I felt good...it is good to be alive ......."tis a grand day to be alive", as my Irish dad used to say,..."a grand day indeed!".

Ice & Snow -Departing Shots!

After another deep freeze last week and this, the gulf stream has shifted northward allowing warmer weather to invade the area. Temperatures today are rising above zero and predicted to last for the next week. YEA! I snuck away from school after a few parent teacher interviews (had to go back from 5:30 -8:00 for more interviews) and took some shots of the snow drifts in the yard which likely won't be the same after a few days melt.

Snowdrifts along the creek's north side....

Ice chunks along the rivers edge this morning.....

Caught the sunrise in a patch of clear sky -the rest of the sky is cloudy -expecting drizzle all day......really looking forward to the weekend...it has been a very exhausting week at school...way too much going on.....need rest......