It has been awhile.....

Dear friends,

I've taken a break from blogland because I've had to deal with a changing health situation and a change in lifestyle, while outwardly trying to continue as if nothing has changed.
I know that I haven't been the same person that I once was for several years...it troubled me.....it frustrated me...it was depressing for me. I have sought the opinion of several doctors and naturopaths to try and come up with an explanation for all my "health" issues. Was it empty nest syndrome, was it menopause...was it something else????? It has been a long slow process, during which I have tried to be brave, tried to be cheerful, tried to be positive, tried to carry on as if nothing was wrong. On the outside ...nothing has changed...a few more gray hairs...a few more stubborn pounds. But JJ and a few close friends can attest...in the privacy of my home....I have been quite miserable and difficult to live with.
Recently, after another trip to the doctor, after months of massage therapy and chiropractic care (which did little to relieve symptoms), I was finally given a diagnosis. I have Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. It is also known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It is a serious illness that affects the whole body; predominantly the neurological, endocrine and immune systems. It is characterized by overwhelming fatigue and a vast array of other symptoms that are often debilitating. It is different for every person, different from day to day, season to season and even from hour to hour. That is why it is so difficult to diagnose and why doctors monitor a person for a long time to rule out other possible causes of the symptoms.
Research has failed as of yet to identify a specific cause or trigger -they have only come up with a list. Again, it could be one or a combination of things. There is no cure...but there are several treatment options that may or may not work. There are coping strategies which are an important part of the treatment program. Informing and educating friends, family and coworkers is one of these strategies. That is what I'm doing in this blog....informing my blog friends.
So....how does this affect me.......well......and this is very hard for me .....as I am a private person when it comes to my health, my feelings......but I have been encouraged by my doctor to start by describing my symptoms to a dozen or so people, talk about it openly and hopefully some understanding and support will follow when I need it......then talk to more people....and so on.
.......there are times that I am incredibly, overwhelmingly tired.......I've fallen asleep at the computer....during lunch time at school....in the car (as a passenger).....in the afternoons... in the evenings. I've missed alot of work this year because I was just feeling like shit! I have had to give up doing many things because I get so fatigued and in pain after the simplest of tasks....not to mention I often have difficulty concentrating...like reading a book - completing my required schoolwork took me twice or three times as long to do as it did several years ago. I actually asked my doctor last September if I was getting Alzheimer's because I had such a word retrieval problem....difficult especially when I was teaching!! Often I sleep 10, 12, 14 hours a day yet I feel like I didn't sleep at all. Other nights I can hardly sleep due to the muscle and joint pain that I have had daily for several years. Some days during this past winter I couldn't even walk around town to walk the dog...it hurt that much. My blood pressure and body temperature have been out of whack for several years...sometimes up...sometimes down......and I often have a sore throat. I get dizzy...not good driving home. I have had different headaches (not migraines from which I have had all my life)....just a dull ache that sometimes goes on for days. My joints and muscles have given me the most difficulty over the past year...I hurt ....all the time......I have had muscle weakness especially in the hands....I feel really stupid and useless when I have to ask someone to open a bottle of water for me....sometimes I can't even open a doorknob...I have to switch hands. I had several falls this winter.....I cracked ribs on a fall while skating and knocked myself out falling on the road during the winter.....I now know they were both likely due to dizzy spells and co-ordination problems I sometimes experience....sometimes I feel like a can't even walk right. I have multiple chemical sensitivities and multiple food intolerances ....both are symptoms of M.E. I often experience sensory overload....so by the time that school is over all I want to do is come home and sit (fall asleep) in a quiet house. The scariest symptom has been the depression. It isn't a symptom of M.E. but it often goes hand in hand with it as does suffering from SAD (seasonal affective disorder). Feeling like crap all the time with no answers, not being able to do the things I once did has caused me to withdraw from social activities and situations......it is hard keeping up a front. I have felt overwhelmingly sad and sorry for myself at times....
So....those are the worst symptoms....some I have learned to accept....I've made lots of changes and accommodations in my life......but have a long way to go........accepting this and making the changes has not been easy...it is ongoing..........modifying my activity levels, crucial in managing symptoms has been the most difficult.......JJ has been very supportive, generous and helpful to me and I am so thankful for Nellie who loves me no matter what I can and can't do. She makes me laugh at her antics every day. I have a few friends that have been there when I needed help and check on me when I'm sick and overwhelmed by life and try to keep me smiling. This is the real reason I started the blog several months back...to connect with people without the judgement I was getting...then for a time it became just too hard to write and read even the blogs I have so enjoyed...so I decided a bit of a break to get through to the end of school (nearly there) .
The good news is I am on some new medication that has helped relieve the constant muscle and joint pain...at least for part of the day......and as long as I don't try to do too much....no more superwoman living in this house. I have to accept weeds in my flower beds.....dust bunnies in the corners......laundry that doesn't get done, the household projects that take weeks instead of hours to get done.... On a positive note.....I take more time to notice the dew drops on the leaves, the different birds that visit my garden, the changing skies..........
In closing..... thanks for taking the time to read this.......
Take care......wish me luck that I'll reach that plateau soon that chronic illness's tend to do....pray that research finds more treatments.......thanks for allowing me to share this.....I promise not to whine about it...that isn't in my nature..........keep well yourself.......I've lots of pictures to post of the garden and the new waterfall feature.........I'm happy to be back... Eileen

May Flowers

..warmth & wisdom....

....on Thurs. April 23, my older son Ryan arrived home...so good to see him.....(pictures later)... Friday, Ryan, my first born turned 26...where have the years gone... he was off to Ottawa to pick up his girlfriend, Lindsay (yes, the same name as my younger son)...they are apartment hunting ...yea!!!!!moving closer for the next year......Lindsay is doing an internship at a new museum in Ottawa...Ryan, graduating with with Masters in Anthropology....?????sometime this spring?????...whenever his thesis is completed.....anyway, Sat. was perfect....warm....27C...the daffodils are in full bloom...other things in the garden bursting forth...almost before our eyes.

......we worked outside in the gardens all day....limped around and took pain medication at night.....as we were soooooo tired and sore from the unaccustomed hard physical labour...but got lots done...
...the Yellow Shafted Flickers were flying in their characteristic undulating patterns from tree top to TV antenna, to barn roofs etc. (any tall structure) drumming....calling "wick...wick...wick...wick...wick...drumming....calling -all day!!!! It is their way of looking suitable mates!!! Pretty birds...welcome harbinger of spring...but ALL DAY ...give it a break!!!

....I was beneath this one way up in the sugar maple...note the buds swelling!!!!....

....the day ended...still warm...but the weather forecaster says rain is on the way...good for the new grass seed I just sowed I guess....rest for the weary muscles too......

....an e-mail from a fellow artist....I think this advice applies to any "creative" endeavor....

The private lives of keeners
April 24, 2009

Dear Eileen,

Yesterday, Sara McManigle of Luverne, ND, asked: "How does an artist maintain the energy levels, motivation, and passion to realize her dreams? As hard as I try, I still get bogged down by others' condescension, the financial aspects, and time management. How do you keep the fire burning when you're so fizzled out?"Thanks, Sara. Artists need to be self-sustaining, private, "follow-your-bliss" islands unto themselves. Self-directed and independent, they make their own fizz. But artists need to realize that there are more than a few ways to become enthusiastic and motivated. One size does not fit all. Not surprisingly, artists with obsessive-compulsive tendencies and an addiction to work appear to be the keeners.One way to understand motivation is to look at the symbols represented by the things we do. A passion for kayaking, for example, might represent a desire for freedom or escape. That of dancing, for romance and love. Among other things, painting can represent a desire to re-order the universe or simply to fill the beauty gap. Nothing wrong with those. These passions, whether intrinsic or learned, are integral parts of our natures and need to be honoured. When we begin to understand our symbols, we can get on with the more mechanistic of the ploys--head down, focus, shutout or postponement of impedimenta, pump priming, multitasking and the wisdom of time-management.Furthermore, amateurs have a wisdom that professionals know not of. One can learn from amateurs. Successful self-motivators at any level are able to regularly return to their beginner-minds and rekindle earlier enthusiasms. Never underestimate your inner kid. Artists also need to be aware of their personal blockers--people, places and things--and be prepared to substitute positive over negative. Without trashing the wonderful mothers of our world, a frequently reported situation is the demanding, impossible-to-please mother who derails daughters and sons. Oh yeah, dads can do it to you too. Critical, failed, or bitter themselves, they are the kernel of a rolling, generational snowball that is difficult to stop. Stealthily and unwittingly a keen edge becomes dull and jaded. Artists so afflicted need to give thought to re-sharpening with alternate role models.

Best regards,Robert

PS: "If you can give your child only one gift, let it be enthusiasm." (Bruce Barton)

Esoterica: From my perspective, every situation, every human being, is unique. While the loving input of true friends is certainly valuable, more than anything, each artist needs to work out private ploys that beat back the unique bugaboos. I appreciate this is not always easy, as circumstances can run powerful interference. But if I didn't know it can be done, is being done, and will be done, I wouldn't be tapping on this laptop. The word is "character." Character is built, not granted.

Well....this came today......after a wonderful Sunday spent with my brother, his partner, Ryan & Lindsay and JJ. My brother is a wonderfully talented artist......who, # 1 is an infrequent visitor, and # 2, is that talented individual whom Robert describes... whose mother and father unwittingly (????) discouraged the "artistic" talent that my siblings and I possessed as not being "important enough, worthy enough....???? whatever......most of us have found our ways....but I feel my brother is still looking for that confirmation,.......yes.... it is good enough, yes.... he is talented...yes.... continue to follow that passion.......is he still haunted by that critisim/disinterest from our parents????

We went to a local art show this afternoon ....developing artists showing their work...maybe there was nothing there I'd buy to hang on my walls, but I like to go such local events ...to talk to the artists...to tell them what I like about their work...to ask questions of their techniques....to freely give out compliments....perhaps that is the teacher in me.....I'm not sure the others in my family felt the same.....???? not professional enough for them??????

Anyway, great day...great conversation....great shared information about computer programs....great stories...great food and wine shared.....what a lovely way to spend a Sunday.....

Earth Day Bouquet

Today is Earth Day, and the first Daffodils opened along the bank of the creek...how perfect!
We had a bit of sun this afternoon......still cool....but now as the sun sets, a massive front is moving in quickly....rain again overnight.........

...birds & bags

......it was another cold start to the day...one that promised rain....lots of new birds this morning on our walk......I noticed more Loons out on the river (likely migrating north)....lots of female Red Winged Blackbirds (males have been back for some time), Blue Herons and Purple Martins
.....there have been 4 Merganzers hanging around for a week or more.....always together.....the male is so completely different than the female.....in the previous shot those are the Merganzers flying toward me -enlarge the picture to see them....

...this afternoon was very windy and I noticed bags...wretched plastic bags.....caught in trees, along the fence lines, in the creek, along the river bank....just recently several major grocery store chains announced they will start charging 5 cents per bag at their stores...all I can say ..."it is about time!!!"....perhaps soon they will eliminate them altogether.....I do use them as dog pooper scoopers however when walking Nellie on the local streets or in the park, etc....but they are recycled plastic and tiny hand size bags...

......it rained this afternoon...we do need it to green things up......cleared somewhat....clouded over again after sunset and is raining heavily right now with temperatures dropping to freezing later.......love the pastels of the sunset this evening......makes me think of the Northern Lights.......

Spring

Quite a delightful morning -still cold in the morning (near freezing), but calm, with the promise of a warm day. The birds are everywhere.....ducks.....

.....migrant snow geese that spent the night on the island.....

.....seconds away from sunrise, a Common Loon has flown up the river calling, for several days now. I heard and saw him in the evening as well. Years ago we never saw Loons on the river, now they nest somewhere close by and can be heard calling every morning and evening.
Amazingly - the previous 3 pictures were taken just minutes apart -just in different directions.

This afternoon, more crocus had opened......

...the Hazelnut bushes were full of bees on the catkins.....

...Chinodoxia carpet the ground....love that colour!!!!!

Finding Beauty

Nellie was a trifle dirty after our walk in the woods today. The sun was shining, but the wind made it too cold to work in the garden today so we went for a walk in the woods. This is the result....big mistake....no...I'm not bothered by dirty dogs or kids....I used to have to hose my kids off after playing outside in the spring...in the mud, in the water, in the creek, in the woods....they had FUN so what if they got filthy.... Nellie...I just sloshed her legs around in a bucket of warm water and pulled out all the leaves and twigs, toweled her off, then told her to stay on the sunny porch for awhile till she dried......she had fun too.
The woods are so dreary this time of the year....mostly grey/brown....until you look closely for signs of life...like this moss...

....woods at first glance.....treasures waiting to be found......

Wood Ducks are quite common in our area -if you frequent wooded swamps!!! Otherwise they are not commonly seen. As we walked along the creek today, I spied a male Wood Duck.....didn't see the female.....he was beautiful......he dove beneath the water when he heard Nellie then flew up the creek. What a beautiful jewel we found in the dreary woods today!!!!